Because I don’t, and pretending to feels dishonest. I’ll listen if they want to talk about it, but I’m not going to act interested, and I certainly won’t ask about it on my own. What I’m trying to figure out is whether people actually care, or if they’re just playing a social game that I’m simply not interested in.
I’m probably on the autistic spectrum, which likely explains this to some extent. But that’s not an excuse - being an asshole is perfectly compatible with autism, so before dunking on me, please realise I probably agree with your criticism.
So I’m in my mid-50s, and I’ve honestly only come up with genuine lasting interest in my friends’ lives in the last few years.
I noticed that I’d get together with friends and they’d say “hey, how did your kid’s sportsball tournament go back in July?” What struck me about it is that they cared enough to actually hear what I said, and remember it - not because they have a deep abiding interest in my kid’s life, but because they cared about me and the things that were important to me.
And I wasn’t repaying the care.
So I’ve tried to change. When people tell me stuff about their kids or vacation, I make a concerted effort to remember it and remember the significance of it, because the fact that it’s important to the people I care about means that to some degree, I care about it as well.
Do you consider yourself these people’s friend?
If you’re completely disinterested in their milestones, that sounds more like an acquaintance.But to your question, yes. I actually care about these things for acquaintances and random people too. There are limits to how much I care but it’s not zero.
This just happened to me today. I was talking with a colleague and recalled that they had just gone on a short trip with their partner. First time away from the kids.
I asked how it was, I was a couple weeks overdue but they excitedly told me about it. It felt good to ask, did it change my day? Not really that much.
But this person was excited to share (a few weeks ago) their excitement and anticipation with me. So when I asked how it went, they got a chance to relive it and share with me the results.
All in all, they cared enough to share, I cared enough to ask and at the end of it, I felt good. I got to share in their excitement and make a person feel heard and valued AND they got to relive the excitement again.
It happens regularly.
I’d also add that I find everyday stories from real people to be vastly more engaging that the completely unbelievable stories I see on TV.
I don’t get all wrapped up in imagining sharing the experience or anything like that, but it’s always nice to get a factual update about the other person. And if they have something interesting to say about whatever it is, that’s good too.
As i got older, I cared more. I uses to listen politely, then I started to look forward to hearing about my friends and family lives. Now I’m one of those guys who calls to ask for updates. 😆
I care that they care. I’m happy that they’re happy. I’m pleased that they took the time to share with me, if even indirectly.
My friend? I care. Randos? Fuck no.
I don’t always care about the specific thing very much, but I have learned to recognize when someone wants to share their life experience. And they’ve chosen to share their life experience with me. It takes a bit of extra effort, in an “Okay, what about any of this interests me, so I can ask questions from that perspective,” but I’ll always try to find something to say that makes the other person feel appreciated for sharing. Because it’s probably not that they want me to “see what they’ve done” and more that they want to engage on a personal level with another human being.
It’s a lot easier for me to support that engagement when I look at the interaction through that lens. I don’t always get opportunities to engage like that with other people, and it’s probably healthy for me to accept those opportunities when they come.
Yes, I do. Because I care about my friends. I’m eager to share in their excitement over their vacation or adventure. As far as their kids go, I don’t really care about a baby, but I do care about their toddlers on up. It’s really neat watching another sentient creature develop, who is based off of someone you know and love, and to see what sort of person they turn into.
I care. Sometimes it’s a bit boring but I love my friends and sometimes put a little work in to keep the connection.
I care about my friends. I care about their goals, concerns, trials, joys, and more. I listen and I dig deeper. If I don’t care about what they did, I ask questions that reveal how it made them feel.
Now that’s a lot of emotional labor, but for a select few confidants, I am more than happy to that work. It bonds us and makes each other feel seen and connected.
Very, very, VERY few people actually care about other people’s kids. And that interest only goes up slightly when they are related to the child.
Nothing wrong with you feeling that way.
As for vacations, life events, etc., I’m interested in knowing what goes on in my friend’s lives… that’s kind of what having a friend is about.
BUT… I’m interested in hearing about these things face to face. I couldn’t care less if they’re just social media spam about what they did with their spouse. That’s one reason why I stopped using social media.
I dunno. I always ask my friends what their kids are up to and am interested to hear. It’s usually entertaining or enlightening. I love talking about my kid and most parents are the same way. Tho I have a few friends who don’t feel comfortable talking about their kids for various reasons so I don’t ask them.
Totally agree, when it’s on social media, I don’t care at all about it, just another thing to upvote and scroll on by
If I’m talking to them, whole different story, because then it’s more personable
I think your characterization is probably somewhat incorrect. I care, and I have seen other parents care. Maybe single childless people don’t care, but this is not always the case.
I care about other people’s kids. I want them housed, fed, clothed, etc.
I want my tax dollars to improve other’s lives so they have what they need to be self-actualized human beings.
I won’t let them get hurt at the playground if I can help it.
I watch them when they cross the street to make sure they do it safely.
I have little ones myself and I believe it takes a village. I’m also 37 and a German/US dual national. I was raised to care, and the societal standards for the US are not a one size fits all definition globally. My wife is Latina and her family is friendly to all children and show lots of care. Germans watch out for others’ kids as they walk to school or play on the playground. It’s disappointing to hear that the fake niceness of the US really is fake here but not very surprising. You truly can’t relate to each other. I am glad I’m moving out next year.
Yes yes. I know this is the internet and kids bad, but I do enjoy when a child smiles or has a small victory. And I enjoy seeing my friend’s children be friends with mine and grow up together.
TLDR some of us care and love to see pictures and hear about your kids.
I care about other people’s kids. I want them housed, fed, clothed, etc.
I want my tax dollars to improve other’s lives so they have what they need to be self-actualized human beings.
I won’t let them get hurt at the playground if I can help it.
I watch them when they cross the street to make sure they do it safely.
Oh geeze, yeah, I hope that what I wrote didn’t come off as “not caring” about the wellbeing of other people’s children, because that’s absolutely not what I meant!
What I mean is that most people don’t get excited about when someone else’s child just spoke their first word, or took their first step. They really don’t, because it’s not a milestone that impacts that person’s life in any meaningful way.
When someone sends you baby picture after baby picture, or their kid’s school trip photos… nobody actually “cares” about those things. It occupies no space in their head past that brief moment they were told about it. That’s what I mean.
If those things make you happy, there’s nothing wrong with that, either!
Do cute kids put a smile on my face? Of course. But do I care that an acquaintance’s child now uses the potty? Not. At. All.
Thanks for clarifying. Seems I misread your intent. Apologies for that. Take care.
Yes I do care. The reason i care is because it makes me happy for them as a friend that they’re going through or went through an event that brought them joy or enriched their lives somehow.
If it’s a coworker then I’m usually doing it to be nice, but also because if you’re spending a considerable amount of time with your coworkers each day, you’ll probably have a more enjoyable work culture if you get to know your coworkers.
I’m another maybe-autist. I don’t care at all about babies or whatever, but a vacation might be interesting. Not if their vacation was just to a resort though.
I used to not care.
Now after a few years in a men’s group, I actually care.
I’m a lot happier and mentally healthy than I was before too.
That’s what I found. I thought people were faking because I was cynical. Then I met healthy people and realized it’s actually ok to care and I was choosing not to care instead of choosing to care. Do I care all the time, absolutely not. But I’m getting better. I find I enjoy listening to people who are healthy have these conversations while looking at them without the cynicism.
I started to realize the small talk that a lot of people online complain about is a choice.
Honestly this is how I met my wife.
I used to get all preachy about how stupid Star Signs were and how dumb it was to watch heroine movies. But then, I was just tired of feeling so angry. I just started listening and approaching them from an understanding perspective.
My wife told me that was the only person who ever made her feel heard. and I’m also a lot happier!
where did you find a men’s group? I live in a rural area of the US so most men I meet are proudl ignorant/hateful trump fanatics
I care. Some people care more than others. That’s fine.